As an avid reader of scholarly journals like US Weekly, Star and the Globe, I am often disappointed when celebrities disguise their pill-popping, Scientology-worshiping and liquid-and-hot dog-diet ways by insisting that they are just like us.

No, you’re not. You have the perfect drug-induced body, live in a $5 million home on an island, and date Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio—whoever didn’t piss you off that week. I shop at Whole Foods on the weekends when I want to get fancy, and eat at California Tortilla on Mondays so I can spin their wheel and win a free burrito.

You’re NOT like me. That’s why I read about you.

And that’s why I love Kanye West and Charlie Sheen and Snoop Dawg and well, basically, every single rapper out there because they are NOT AFRAID of showing America how freaky deaky they really are.

Which is why my new favorite person is now, Roberto Cavalli.

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In a W Magazine dinner interview set with bedazzled crabs, lizard figurines and crystal balls, Cavalli speaks openly about his life with Lauren Collins of W Magazine.

Here, we learn that Cavalli jets around in a purple helicopter, kisses his monkey sculpture on the mouth (I guessing with tongue) and rides around in a zebra striped Ducati!

And he’s MARRIED, folks.

To a woman.

God, I love him.

When asked about babies, Cavalli replies:

“I never understand why God give the possibility to have children just to woman,” he continued, clutching theatrically at his belly. “Oh, my God, my dream would be to have a baby!”

When discussing his Persian cat, Cavalli says:

“Do you know the name of my cat?…Pussy! It doesn’t mean what you think — I am much more clean — but I tell you, she is very sexy!”

And just in case you’ve mistakenly thought Cavalli was a homo-sexxxxual, when discussing his first crush on a woman, Collins details:

Last year, [Cavalli] said, he was watching a television show that reunited contestants with people from their pasts. “Sometimes I think I would like to be on that show,” he mused dreamily. “The long black hair! The skirt down to here, with flat shoes. I remember what kind of bra she use! Is my first erection!”

Please sir, can you say some more?

Image Via: W Magazine