Celebrity High School Yearbook
What if Hollywood were high school, but with money? Who would be a jock, a band geek or a burnout?
Because we wanted to, and well, had time, we wondered where celebrities would land in high school if they were part of a clique. After extensive deliberation, we’ve broken it down like this:
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez: A short lived couple, the two crazy kids get together because they have a mutual fondness for beautiful hair. Eventually, Bieber will break Gomez’s heart and she will attend prom with a senior.
Taylor Swift: The constant romantic, Swift’s love life is quick and fleeting, with her yo-yoing through love like the way a Kardashian diets to drop two dress sizes. In the end, her relationship burns out in two weeks, and Swift is left with a broken heart and yet another, cry-me-a-river breakup song.
Miley Cyrus: Under “extra-curriculars,” Cyrus will sing the National Anthem at football games to meet hot dudes, but unfortunately, they’re not having it. She and Swift are BFFs.
Jennifer Aniston: Now a senior, Aniston has dated a slew of bad boys that have made her damaged goods. On the flip side, she will be high school prom queen and live out her days as the cashier girl at Walmart wondering where her life went wrong.
George Clooney: The hot, funny guy, Clooney understands that he has two characteristics that are a rare combo in the dating world. Mrs. Robinson and her teenage daughter want him, but he’s just too busy playing basketball, looking hot and telling jokes during half-time.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: They are the “It Couple/The Shit Couple.”
You hate them. We hate them. Everyone hates them.
On their own, Pitt is the hot jock with a Colgate-Bright smile. Jolie is the annoying hot girl who takes up random causes, and recently attempted to promote peace by selling baked goods at the high school gym. Short of their genuine hotness, none of the cool kids understand why they’re dating.
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith: They walk alike, talk alike and even dress alike, the Smiths play lacrosse and have been married since they were ten.
Last year, they were voted most likely to have annoying and talented kids, in that order.
Matt Damon and Ben Affleck: This duo are “hot jock besties.”
They love to play ice hockey, and will never allow any girl to break up their bromance.
Jay-Z: Being black allows him to have a cool name like Jay-Z. He plays “b-ball,” dates booty-lishes, Beyonce, and everyone is too intimidated to talk to them.
Matthew McConaughey: McConaughey is the stereo-typical jock that fails Math, English, and well, basically high school because he is too busy hanging out with the stoner crew.
Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz: Due to his lack of English and desperate need to stay in America, Bardem is a sixth year senior who is dating Cruz. Cruz is beautiful, talks fast and was recently dumped by a short senior named Tom.
Justin Timberlake: Timberlake is the lead singer in his four man A Capella group known as “NSong NSync.” Occasionally, they break out to song and dance in the school yard like in the show, Glee. Sure, kids stop and watch, but most of the time, they put on their ear buds to groove to well, whatever song that prevents them from listening to Timberlake.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Gyllenhaal is an aspiring actor. In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, he scored the lead role and through “intense method acting”, he decided to spend a week speaking in Shakespearean English—or rather, regular English with the occasional “thou” and “thy” inserted into a bad British accent. This confused teachers and students who had no idea of his acting role, and mistakenly thought he was mentally retarded.
The Student Body
Reese Witherspoon: Class president and Homecoming Queen, Witherspoon is every guy’s favorite all-American girl. A year from now, she will leverage her prom queen status and run for Miss America and lose to Miss Ohio whose talent was being cuter, smarter and more all-American.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Captain of the debate team and drama club, Dicaprio uses his wit and charm to score mini plastic, Heidi Klum as his girlfriend. She doesn’t know what he says half the time when he talks about “lowering the deficit ceiling before America collapses economically,” but knows that he’s cute when he says it.
Jennifer Lopez: Lopez started the Puerto Rican Student Alliance, and recently, was the only member due to the fact that the school was predominantly white. She was relieved when fellow ESL students, Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz joined her club. Lopez also doubles as a hot dancer with Beyonce during high school pep rallies.
Robert Pattison, Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart: Known as the “Twilight Crew,” this group looks like doomsday and never talks to anyone. Most of the time, when they do, they speak in hush tones, look distantly into the ethers, and then disappear. This creeps people out.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt: Always on the lookout for the next “it-party,” Montag and Pratt regularly update their Twitter and Facebook accounts to ensure their ascent into social stardom. Recently, the pair auditioned for MTV’s Skins, but was promptly rejected for being too trashy.
The Kardashians: Rumored to have received Botox treatments for their sweet sixteen birthdays, the Kardashians are high rollers that love fast cars, Louis Vuitton purses and black quarterbacks. They believe in their genuine fabulousness, and have hired a camera crew to document their teen lives so that everyone knows it. Heidi and Spencer watch from afar, and are disappointed that they haven’t thought of the idea first.
James Franco: Glib high school senior, Franco is the occasional school bully who sells overpriced pot and Louis Vuitton knock-offs out of his dad’s 1989 Ford Mustang. He uses the cash to purchase cigarettes and beer at Walgreens. Fortunately, due to his wrinkled face—a result of his constant look of dazed and confusion—he has never been carded.
Joe Jonas: Upset by the musical success of his rivals, The Hansons, Joe has quit his mediocre Brady Bunch band to fly solo and establish a singing career in electronic dance music. His latest single, “All about Joe,” was a poppy mess of high-energy beats that was over-laid with lyrics about his life as a failed boy band singer. While a hit at prom, he currently is being sued for copyright infringement by the Backstreet Boys.
The Band Geeks
Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg: Long-time besties, Cera and Eisenberg play the trombone and trumpet, respectively for the high school band. They spend their weekends reading old X-Men comic books and drafting love letters to Carrie Fischer who played Princess Leia in the movie Star Wars. Fischer, since, has issued a restraining order on the pair after they had asked her to describe what she would look like without the gold bikini.
The Olsen Twins: Often speaking simultaneously, the twins—with their long blonde hair and steely blue eyes—will one day become Stepford wives and give birth to creepy Children of the Corn babies.
The Fuck Up
Lindsay Lohan: After scoring her first DUI at thirteen, Lohan gets kicked out of school, ends up in juvie, and develops a fondness for wearing orange track suits.
Coincidentally, this outfit also is conducive for attracting neighborhood lesbians.
Bristol Palin: Head of the high school Abstinent Club, Palin loves Jesus and believes that birth control is the “devil’s work.” Ironically, she hits it off with bad boy, James Franco who takes her to a drive-in screening of the film, Rosemary’s Baby. Two minutes later, Palin gets impregnated in the backseat of Franco’s 1989 Ford Mustang.