Vacation Grievances to Avoid on Independence Day Weekend

Opinion / July 1, 2011

Recently, TripAdvisor.com conducted a survey polling over 2,000 people on the most annoying habits committed by fellow swimmers and sunbathers.

Not surprisingly, hoarding beach chairs, playing loud music, and peeing in the water all made the top spots in the survey.

Who also made the annoying list?

Babies.

That is, other people’s babies, particularly when diapers and the changing of said diapers were involved.

When asked if men wearing speedos was appropriate for the beach, a shocking 65% sad yes.

Obviously, those 65% of respondents have yet to encounter a man bending over while wearing speedos or mankinis.

Some things just cannot be unseen.

On the topic of space, 26% of the respondents said that on a crowded beach, strangers should keep at least 6 feet away, and on a empty beach, 38% want you to stay 20 feet away. Fair enough.

Of course, a beach just wouldn’t be the same without those sunbathers that go to an empty beach and decide to set up shop inches from you. THERE’S A WHOLE LOT MORE BEACH THAN THE 20 FT RADIUS AROUND ME, MAN.

And since we’re soon upon Independence Day, which happens to be one of the busiest beach holidays of the year, it is only fitting to point out some of my biggest beach vacation annoyances.

Take note, fellow beach goers.

‘Kinis + Shoes

I have been around the Delaware coast this summer, and in doing so,  I have encountered, more than I can count,  females who like to walk down the main drag of Dewey Beach, which is busy, dangerous, and hot, wearing solely a bikini and shoes.

No cover-up. No covering at all, in fact.

Chances are, if you need shoes to go somewhere, you could probably use some pants as well.

Venus Fly-Trap Umbrellas

Windy beach + large umbrella= seeing an umbrella close over an individual leaving only their legs visible. Large beach umbrellas caught in the wind also convert into enormous javelins, hurling themselves at innocent beach goers, looking for blood.

Excessive Public Lotioning (EPL)

On one of my tropical vacations, I discovered that foreigners like to lotion on the beach. Americans lotion in their rooms, for the most part, because we don’t want to get the sand in our lotion, making an exfoliator.

I had the pleasure of attending the same beach with a group of plump and lovely foreigners who were not only wearing speedos and topless, but were continually rubbing and lotioning in plain sight.

Oh, the rubbing. Love handles, haunches, his back, then her back. So much rubbing.

But nothing could have topped the moment when I saw a plump, oiled up woman in a bikini, and when she turned, the sun blinded me as it reflected off of her decorated nipple chain.

That’s right, a chain from nipple ring to nipple ring, on the beach. So I suppose that is another one to add to the list: Nipple Chains.

Killer Bees

There are bees that specifically attack you while on the beach.

Maybe it’s the smell of the sunscreen, or the fact that they can smell my fear, but I wasn’t just spazzing out, screaming, and hitting myself for no reason.  The bee landed in my tramp-stamp area and it didn’t get off until my mom hit me several times with her hardback copy of The Help.

Vacationing Santa

Why do men with white hair and white beards decide, in the summer, to wear red? I am speaking from experience here. These Santa-look-alikes abandon their black, drab work garb and put on bright red for the sake of vacation. They might as well be one of those clay figurines in a souvenir shop where Santa is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, surfing.

I will conclude here with the hopes that someone else has some more vacation grievances that they would like to point out.

Life is indeed a beach.  Happy July 4th!




Caroline Cullen
Caroline Cullen
Caroline Cullen is currently obsessed with Dirty Shirleys, Pauly D's pecks, and Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares on BBC.




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July 1, 2011

Vacation Grievances to Avoid on Independence Day Weekend