Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen on the cover of 'Newsweek.'
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen on the cover of ‘Newsweek.’
Photo: Courtesy of Newsweek

When you were seven, you shot popcorn seeds out of your nose and called that talent. When the Olsen twins were seven, they had their own multi-million dollar company.

When you were 18, you were prom queen and dated the high school football captain and thought that was pretty awesome. When Mary Kate and Ashley were 18, they came into their billion dollar trust fund, attended NYU, dropped out, and still had a billion dollars.

When you were 25, you landed your first real job after college, had a 401k, and felt that you were “going somewhere” in life. When the twins turned 25, they established The Row, their high-end fashion label that raked in $10 million in sales, adding onto their billion dollar empire.

Now that you’re 30, you’ve climbed that ladder to middle management and have 2 people working below you. You make them fetch you coffee. Now that the twins are well, still 25, they have a million people working under them and are supporting America by producing their two clothing lines in…well America. This makes them awesome to unemployed Americans.

When you turn 40, you imagine that you will buy a home, get divorced, date your therapist and will be ten years closer to retirement.

When the twins turn 40, they will own everyone, including Donald Trump, and make everyone their bitch slave. Americans will be forced to watch Full House reruns, and sing the Full House theme song as the American anthem.