Ryan Lochte’s Hotness Eclipses His Inability to Form Sentences

Opinion / August 10, 2012

“The reason I love swimming is…because racing.”
–Ryan Lochte

As the above video clearly demonstrates, Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte isn’t the brightest crayon in the box. He can swim like a glorious dolphin, flash that crooked smile, and even putta grill on it, but talking out loud? Not so much.

Our formal position on the matter is, “yeah, so?”

He doesn’t know his times tables and says he typically stays “under the profile…radar…”

Yeah, so?  That all gets overshadowed by his golden medals and piles of golden treasure from his endorsements.

Forming simple sentences, like explaining why he loves to swim proves very difficult for him.

Yeah, so? He’s an Olympic athlete.  And those USA issued swim trunks aren’t leaving any mystery about what’s going on downstairs.

If he’s the dumb jock, I’ll be his cheerleader girlfriend any day. Perhaps our future will turn into Ryan as an insurance agent trying to relive the glory days and me as a stifled-life-in-a-rut-housewife.

But hey, I can wash our clothes on his abs. Procter & Gamble will provide our household items, AT&T will pay our phone bills, and I will never, ever drown.

That’s pretty much the dream of every little girl.


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Caroline Cullen
Caroline Cullen
Caroline Cullen is currently obsessed with Dirty Shirleys, Pauly D's pecks, and Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares on BBC.




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Ryan Lochte’s Hotness Eclipses His Inability to Form Sentences