Oh, Mike Rowe! You Dirty, Dirty Man

Mike Rowe

Discovery Channel's hunky host of Dirty Jobs, Mike Rowe has come to be one of the men I lust after unhealthily. While most girls in their 20s can't wait for Ryan Reynold's performance in "The Green Lantern," or wait with baited breath for Johnny Depp to act like a drunken pirate again in the 800th installment of Pirates of the Caribbean, my heart yearns for the next Ford commercial, where Mike Rowe will convert people into Ford drivers and convert me into a nervous school-girl with that charming grit of his that is so attractive, and so damn American.

With one smile you can see yourself high-fiving him while you share a burger at a summer cookout, play baseball, fix a car, and have a slice of apple pie.

Mike RoweHe’s easy on the eyes, but that’s nothing compared to his all-kinds-of-sexy voice. It’s this smoky, sultry thing that’s just as perfect for the boudoir as it is for narrating commercials for down-home American products, or a show about heartland American workers.

(Oh, and he's the voice of Discovery's "Human Planet" a.ka. the voice of all humanity...too far?)

In his role as the host of Dirty Jobs, he has traveled all around checking out the shittiest jobs in America, working as a respectful apprentice gutting fish, milking cows, stirring feces, all with a smile. And its the kind of smile that when you look right at it, you see a faint twinkle.

His blue-collar mentality and rough-around-the-edges wardrobe and attitude basically makes me want to have some sort of maggot farm or other gross job so he’ll come and find me and ask me with genuine curiosity and admiration how I do my job, and would I teach him my ways.

He’s that guy’s guy that loves hard work, but would also snatch up a baby or a small dog. He has a tan and wind-chapped face where light, kind eyes pop through. But the best part about him is that he will be extracting the sperm from a rooster using a straw (that episode actually happened) and  smiling about it, even while his ultra-sensitive gag reflex kicks in.

I see that he has some “girlfriend,” but my hope is that if he’s out there, he will come to my place of work and spend the day with me, see that I drive a Toyota and tell me I should be driving a Ford because that's what America does, and realize, as I wipe the dirt away from his face, take worn-out baseball cap off his head and place it on my own, that he should carry me into the sunset.


Cuckoo for Coupons: A Closer Look at TLC’s ‘Extreme Couponing’

The brilliant minds of TLC have created another disturbing show cataloging addiction…but this time, it’s to coupons.

It’s called “Extreme Couponing” and there are more things that bother me about this show than the fact that the “Extreme Couponers” pronounce their savings cut-outs as, “Q-pons.”

The show profiles women, mostly housewives in suburbia, trying to save money at the grocery store like a bunch of lunatics.

They have a system. They monitor the online coupon database, compare that information with the inserts in newspapers, have the “in” with the store managers to check on coupon policies, own alphabetical lists of which aisle each item is located in, and carry binders full of 2500-3000 coupons per visit to the grocery store. SAVINGS=LYFE.

At first, you think, ok this one woman is trying to feed a family of six on a meager income only coming from her hubby, or there’s one guy who donates groceries to troops, so coupons are logical. Some come out of the grocery store only having paid $6 for $600 worth of groceries, so you think, wow, coupons are magical.Read more


Taylor Swift-ly Driving Men Away

In light of recent events, it is clear that someone needs to give Taylor Swift some dating tips. She continues to drive away hot men and frankly, I’m tired of it.

It seems like years ago that we all learned about Joe Jonas’ alleged break-up-via-text-message. Then, we all felt bad for her, because c’mon Joe, that’s cold.

Aren’t people with promise rings supposed to love thy neighbor?

But now her dating disasters have been consistent and I’m starting to think that it’s not them, it’s her.

Back in January, MTV News catalogued her dating history, starting with that godforsaken Jonas brother, who after his brutal and terse final words, started dating Camilla Belle instead. The first blow.

Taylor Swift & John Mayer
Taylor Swift & John Mayer

Next, Lucas Till. Tay starred in the video of “You Belong with Me” with country-boy Lucas Till, who admitted later that the two had something going on.

When their relationship flame was extinguished, he simply said, "We just really both liked each other, [but] most relationships work out 'cause you get along and then you don't, and then you make up and it's passionate. And with us I really just liked her as a friend. That's the only reason that didn't work out." Ouch.

And the list goes on.

Up next, Taylor “Shirtless Twilight Boy” Lautner who co-starred with her in that terrible intersecting lives romantic “comedy” Valentine’s Day. They started dating in the summer of 2009 and supposedly called it quits in December 2009.

Qué pasó?

In 2010, it was rumored that T. Swift was dating John Mayer, about whom she penned "Dear John” detailing how she was both upset and surprised that he “messed with” her. Hellooo, of course he is going to screw you over, one look at him and you know. Plus, you know, he got a sleeve tattoo, which signifies that he’s no longer a puss and is hardcore enough to date more than one lady.

The lineup of other rumored lovas include Cory Monteith (who plays Finn on Glee) and her "Mine" video co-star Toby Hemingway.

Taylor, girlfriend, lock someone down.

Taylor Swift & Jake Gyllenhaal
Taylor Swift & Jake Gyllenhaal

Then we have 2010’s Fall with Jack Gyllenhaal.

When she spent Thanksgiving with Jake I thought, “OK, snatch up an older dude, get some family time, nice move Tay,” then all of sudden things were over. No more strolling amongst the leaves in the crisp fall weather in variations of Patagonia jackets, no more getting coffee at local Nashville cafes.

This brief and fleeting affair leaves us pondering once more, what went wrong?

Now, according to US Weekly, Ms. Swift is going out with hot-ass Country Strong, Garrett Hedlund. How does she continue to hook 'em?

The answer to that question is unclear, but what is certain is that attractive men always seem to take the bait and swim away, leaving her once again with an empty hook. Perhaps my fishing metaphor has gone too far.

All I’m saying is, I’ve seen her performance persona in concert as well as her “real” self on Ellen, and she is a bit squinty, gangly, and awkward.

However, she is awk with a side of rich and famous, a sprinkle of personal trainer, and a dash of hair stylist.

So you can see how minor flaws get overlooked. Regardless, something goes wrong every time and I am mystified. I think I’ll go write a song about it.


TV Comeback: Why American Idol Is Once Again Worthy of Your Wednesday Nights

Let’s talk about American Idol for a hot minute. I know, I know, it’s a lame show for Middle Americans chomping on their Edy’s ice cream bites in their knick-knack covered living rooms, but seriously, let’s talk about it.

This season is actually kind of good. Keep in mind I was there in the beginning, I voted for Kelly Clarkson when she beat out that kid with the curly fro—I’m pretending like I don’t know his name—it’s  Justin Guarini. I was there through the Fantasia years, and even stuck by it when Clay Aiken was still pretending to be straight.

However, it was the moment when Taylor Hicks won that American Idol and I broke up. We just didn’t have anything in common anymore and our relationship fell apart. It’s been 5 seasons since that fateful time, Season 5, and now that we are living through Season 10, I have seen the light once more.

I’m back for one reason: Pia.

No that’s not a word used on the Jersey Shore to describe one’s vajayjay, but instead a female singer who can hit those high notes like Mariah Carey before she went looney tunes and had Nick Cannon’s twins. Her rendition of Elton John’s “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me,” actually gave me chills.

I may or may not have texted “Vote” to 5704.

Ok, I did. And so did my Mom. BOO-YA teeny boppers, every vote counts!

Oh, and there’s some other reasons why AI and I are back together. For one, there’s that Jacob guy that sings like he’s in Gospel Choir, or the girl Haley with the jazzy voice, how bout that Stefano guy that looks like Joey Tribbiani of “Friends” fame and sings like Taio Cruz?

Maybe I just have a girl-crush on J Lo, who matches her nails with her ensembles, but these people are killing it this season.

I look forward to seeing someone win who might actually get a song on the radio that is not the one that they sing on stage after they win.

For now, I’m on “Team Pia,” because she freaking rocks, but in general, I’m thinking that I’m on “Team It's Time for a Legit Winner”—one who won’t just be a flash in the pan but will keep on cookin’.

Although hopefully, no lady will have to show her Pia to Steven Tyler in order to win…


(Rebecca) Black Friday

Something dark and dangerous is happening in music today and it’s called Rebecca Black. Although she may be looking forward to the weekend, we are looking at some Rebecca "black" dayz for pop culture.

She’s only the most popular new “singer” on the internet with her breakout song Friday.

Tweeny-boppers love her, Chris Brown tweeted about her (yes, blonde-anger-management-issues Chris Brown), and Ryan Seacrest has Friday seeping out of his little man-boy pores.

Why?

Because her video is absolutely awful.

I have a love-hate relationship with Rebecca Black’s song.

On one hand, I love it because it makes me feel dancey (ask last night’s bar table and it’ll tell you), but on the other hand, the song horrifies me--this girl’s voice sounds like a car horn honking in a traffic jam.

Rebecca recorded a song about Friday and its wonders, and as the views on YouTube kept climbing (now up to 47 million!), so did her infamy.

Sources are even saying that a Justin Bieber duet may be in the works - oh hell naw.

This latest internet uproar is produced by Ark Music Factory, “a Community, Music/Entertainment Channel and Independent Record Label” that has its roots in LA.

This isn’t your ordinary factory. Ark churns out pay-to-play videos for wanna-be singers. Basically, you pay a fee, they write you a song, make a super corny video, and spread it virally.

Here’s a video from their recent launch party:

Ark Music Factory’s website says that their community “is for everyone! - Kids, teens and adults,” especially for those with a $2,000 check.

According to the Daily Beast, Rebecca got her start when her parents purchased a $2,000 Ark Entertainment Package which included 2 pre-written songs and a video for their semi-talented, super nasally, albeit enthusiastic daughter.

Her exceptionally quick rise to fame exemplifies how new media can be distributed like wildfire, but the problem is, the video is both funded by parental figures AND is God awful.

What ever happened to talent and hard work?

Bob Dylan was discovered singing in a bar in Greenwich Village after years of playing and practicing.

Hell, Britney Spears didn’t release her first video until 8 years after her induction into the Mickey Mouse club. These dayz people can just lay down some cash and BOOM! They’re on the Today Show, having Pinot with Kathie Lee and Hoda.

We love stars because it’s hard and special to be one, and in the past, you had to be talented to be famous—but what Rebecca Black’s video shows us is that you can buy and sell “special” and that a couple grand can make you famous.

Even so, I am about a click away from purchasing “Friday” ‘cause it’ll make my pre-game playlist off the chain.

And why not?

It’s all in good fun fun fun fun. Partyin’—(Thanks, RB).

But seriously, it’s this kind of “sensation” that teaches us more than just the power of social media—it shows that if star power can be bought, then everyone can be special.

But if everyone is special, then no one is.


A Toast to Elizabeth Taylor

This is where you grab a glass of champagne or a nice, stiff, scotch (what she and Richard Burton used to drink before her rehab days), raise it high, and remember Ms. Liz Taylor:

To a woman with 4 Golden Globes, 2 Oscars, 4 children, 8 marriages, 7 ex-husbands, and 3 baby daddies.

For that matter, let’s toast to her many men: Nicky Hilton, Michael Wilding, Michael Todd, Eddie Fisher, Richard Burton, Richard Burton (again), John Warner, and Larry Fortensky for being able to say that they were married to Elizabeth Taylor.

Top Left to Right: Richard Burton, Nicky Hilton, Michael Todd, Eddie Fisher | Bottom Left to Right: John Warner, Larry Fortensky, Michael Wilding

To Richard Burton, who not only lasted the longest, but in his prime was one hot-ass man, you go Liz!

To a woman who when asked by the New York Times why she married so many times replied, "I don’t know, honey. It sure beats the hell out of me.”

To a woman who was paid $1,000,000 in 1963 which in 2011, according to my calculations, would be…a lot of money.

A woman who shed her dark locks for a blonde fro and somehow made that work.

A perfume saleswoman who sold us “White Diamonds” with such alluring and intriguing commercials as this one, cue the horse running on a beach and speeding convertible:

A fine female who had a brain tumor removed but never did away with her passion for AIDS awareness and prevention.

A published author, whose 2002 release was entitled My Love Affair with Jewelry, a scholarly endeavor.

A lady who was friends with Michael Jackson and didn’t abandon him during his--looney, Neverland, possibly diddling young boys--days.

Sidenote: Larry Fortensky, her latest husband, was a construction worker at Neverland Ranch—it just gets better and better with this woman.


And above all, someone who made the combination of drawn-on eyebrows and bright red lipstick the shit.

So let us raise our scotches—or our caramel lattes, to Miss Elizabeth Taylor, the most beautiful crazy woman that ever lived.